Stop Dreaming!

Plenty of people think, aspire and dream. I have lots of goals and dreams. I can't begin to tell you how many time I have said one day I will do this or that. Most of the time I accomplish those things. Sometimes I don't. How many times have you said "one day" to something? 

The truth is that anyone can dream, aspire and set goals. It takes determination and commitment to achieve your dreams and accomplish your goals. Last night I tried to register for a race and it was sold out. This got me thinking...maybe it's time to start checking off some of those bigger goals on my list. Those big "one day" aspirations.

I think it's time, and I encourage everyone to stop saying one day and start taking action. Don't wait to finish that pile of filing at work or clean out that closet in your house. Stop procrastinating. Don't say one day you will run a 5k or complete a marathon or Ironman (this is my big goal). Make a commitment. Circle your deadline on the calendar and plot your course of action.

Stop dreaming! Start living!

Rule #2 - Appreciate What You Have

Too often life is about the have and the have nots. Life should never be about what you don't have, it should only ever be about what you have and being thankful for that. Sure, I'd like a new minivan, but I'm thankful I have one and that it still runs. After all, some people don't even have a vehicle or only have one per family. The truth is, if you waste your life trying to get the biggest and the best (insert dream item of your choice here), then you are missing out on the best and simplest pleaure of life - enjoying what you have.

This concept can be transferred to many things not just material things. Do you want more experiences, want more time? Really, this all ties back into how life is all about perspective (remember Rule #1??). What are you dwelling on? Are you focusing on what you want that you don't have, where you want to be and aren't or what you do have and where you are?

So, how do you adjust your focus? How do you start appreciating what you have? I would start by getting to know someone who doesn't have as much as you (and unless you are homeless living on the street with no clothing and are knocking on death's door - there is someone who has less than you, so no excuses). Discuss with them their thoughts on life, their needs and wants. I bet you'll find they are, in some ways, completely different than yours. The differences will most likely be material. As far as everything else goes, I bet they have a lot of the same aspriations as you; to be happy, to be healthy, to be aprpeciated, to be loved.  This individual that you have befriended should help you gain perspective on what you value as important and necessary.

Maybe you aren't comfortable with the aforementioned. So, how else might you begin to appreciate what you have? Well, it's actually quite simple and something you can start with this instant. Be grateful for EVERYTHING. When you wake up in the morning, be grateful that you did. When you get out of bed, be grateful that you can. If you can walk, be grateful that you can. When you brush your teeth, if you have teeth, be grateful that you have them. When someone serves you at a restaraunt, be sincerely grateful for their service. Don't just view it as their job, be grateful for their hardwork.

Does this seem too hard? Then start small. Every day for a month write what you are grateful for. The next month, write down two things you are thankful for. The twlefth month, write down 12 things you are thankful for. Then look back and, please. share your experiences here!

How Would You Handle It?

I’ve recently participated in a couple of conversations that sparked around the news or a television episode about domestic violence. Domestic violence, what is it? It can be a series of physical altercations. It can be a one-time physical assault. It can be a growing string of abusive words that lead you to believe, over time, that you are worthless. Domestic violence comes in so many shapes and forms.

 

 

As I mentioned briefly above, I have participated in a couple of conversations about domestic violence recently. Each of these, with different people, all started in the same way and ended with me shaking my head. How did they start? They started with the person I was having the conversation with describing how they would handle the situation. Insert eye roll and headshake here. How can you assume you will be able to handle something a certain way until you are faced with that particular situation? This is one of my biggest pet peeves now for the reasons I will explain below.

 

 

 

I was a victim of domestic violence. For those of you who know, and those of you who don’t, once upon a time I was married to a man named John. I loved him, and I thought he loved me. However, one evening after a few shots of tequila with a friend and our roommate at our house, he walked outside to have a cigarette. He didn’t come back for quite some time, so I walked out to check on him. He was squatting in the grass and had a knife on his wrist. A few quick words were exchanged and I realized he intended to, at the least, attempt suicide. I quickly tried to talk him out of it. I loved him. We had only been married for a couple months. No matter what the issue was, I was sure we could work through it together. I was there for him. As I explained my love for him and the thought process I just explained above to him, he, instead of being grateful for having a loving wife, turned angry and lashed out at me. He rolled his eyes back in his head and told me he wasn’t John anymore, he was the devil, and that I had to die. He took the knife away from his wrist and pointed it at me. I immediately ran inside where my friend and roommate were.

 

 

I was so shaken by the whole incident I don’t think I even processed what had happened when I ran inside. I, a person who is rarely without words, was speechless. Seeing the obvious horror on my face, my friend, Alan, and roommate, Chris, asked what was wrong. I couldn’t explain. All I could utter was something about John having a knife as I became hysterical. Alan ran outside, and tried to get the knife from John. John began screaming about how I needed to die and kept trying to get inside the house to stab me or even worse, kill me. Chris got the phone, called 911 and locked me inside while Alan restrained John on the front lawn until the police could arrive.

 

 

John was taken to the 5^th floor (mental ward) of Darnall Army Community Hospital where they held him for the maximum of 72 hours. There, we talked briefly, and he told me that our relationship was built on lies (basically everything he had told me was a lie) and after I tried to stop him from committing suicide that he felt his only way out was to kill me. He begged for my forgiveness, but I knew from the moment this incident occurred that I could never look at him the same. I could never have children with this man, something I knew I one day wanted. He kept trying to beg me for my forgiveness after he was released from the hospital. He stalked me about town and base. I requested to PCS (move or be reassigned to a different military base) and I was granted a PCS to Alaska. He found out where I was headed and threatened to find me there and said he would never give-up on me. I was scared, scared for my life. I made a series of bad decisions, or maybe just hard ones that ultimately saved my life in the following months. In the end, I divorced John and lost my military career. 

I never expected to be the victim of domestic violence. I don’t think anyone ever does. I always thought I was smarter than to choose a man that would ever harm me in any way. I had seen movies and television episodes about stalkers and various domestic violence incidents. I would always watch, think and even comment that I would handle things a certain way if I were ever faced with that situation.

 

I didn’t handle things in any way I thought I would, and I learned my lesson. I will never say I will handle things a certain way if I were faced with a similar predicament. I will never pass judgment on the way a person has acted. After all, if John’s rage had caused him to just hit me instead of try and kill me, I might have given into his incessant begging and tried to salvage the relationship. I doubt it, but we, thankfully, will never know.

So, next time, think twice before you say you would act a certain way or pass judgment on someone for the way they’ve acted. Until you’ve been through the same or a similar situation, you really shouldn’t even discuss how you would act, and most importantly, you should never pass judgment on the way someone has acted.

My #1 Rule for a Long Happy Relationship

My number one rule for a long happy and successful relationship is to kiss your lover once a day like they're your lover, not like they are your mother.

Sounds easy, right?? You may find that the longer you are in a relationship the harder this will be. The truth is, you may kiss your significant other daily when you wake up, before you leave, when you get home and before bed. However, those are routine moments of affection. Taking the time to kiss your lover  passionately out of the blue every day may prove a little harder. I assure you though, the benefit of doing so is more than worth the effort.

Due to the fact we are creatures of habit, over time, "habit" seems to take over and our demonstrations of love become routine. Taking the time to show your lover every day that you are still passionate about them  through the simple gesture of a kiss or even just a meaningful touch will keep the spark alive!

Rule #1: Life is All About Perspective

Rule #1 - Life is all about perspective. 

Perspective is the state of one's ideas. It affects our lives in all aspects. So, my #1 Rule is to acknowledge that life is all about perspective.

What does the statement life is all about perspective mean? It means you can view the glass as half full or half empty. You can look for the good in the bad or let the pain consume you. You can make lemonade from life's lemons or collect them and let them rot. Your decisions and views can be molded over the years, if you choose to let them be. In my opinion, those with best perspectives on life are those who have worked to positively construct their perspective over the years. I, personally, choose to look at the glass as half empty or half full depending on its beginning state. I choose to always pull the silver lining out of any gray cloud, and most importantly, I always make lemonade when life throws me lemons.

What the concept that life is all about perspective doesn't mean is that life is all about how YOU see things. Your perspective is never objective (no matter how hard you try to make it objective). Your perspective will always be shaped by your emotions and personal bias and life experiences. The challenge is to see things from another person's perspective and never to assume that with enough persuasion people will see the world as you do.

So, how do you see things from someone else's perspective? You must be aware! You must listen, not just react, or, at the least, be cognizant that their view point is different. If you can, have an open dialogue with the other person(s). In some situations, this might be a great first step, but remember never to say things that give the impression that you don't care, or are accusatory. In other words, don't say something stupid, even in the heat of the moment, like "I don't get you! Explain where your stupid, crazy ideas come from!" In some instances, like with a customer in a professional setting, you may not be able to have that meaningful dialogue, but simply acknowledging there is a problem can go a long way. Proffering solutions to a situation might help you gain perspective as well. You might find that the problem you are having with a vendor can be solved with a little cooperation and/or compromise.

The truth is, your perspective defines you.

As Epictetus said "It's not what happens to you, but how you react that matters." So, the next time your spouse makes you angry, before you react, step back for a moment and try and see things from their point of view. The next time you sit down and think about where you are in life, if you aren't happy, don't think about how much further you have to go, remember how far you have come. The next time your boss gives you a "before you leave today" deadline at 4:30 p.m. that will take you some time to complete, try to appreciate the significance of the task you have been given and its deadline.